Feeling much better today! Barely any pain in the morning but I went to see World War Z and now I'm back to feeling pain again. Darn.

Day 35-36

Less and less pain. I'm able to eat fruits and a little bit of everything now. Still bloated but subsidies after a while. My poop has a definite shape and doesn't not rip my butt when it comes out. I'm happy! 

Will try to eat vegetables soon. I like bread but it seems like bread is too processed which is bad. Probably has a ton of process carbs in there which my body can't digest. 

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Day 34 - can eat fruits-ish, ordered Edefen

Bloated really bad and it seems like I might have eaten too much fat so that's really not good for my tummy because it really delays the bowel movement. My stool is sticky and sticks to the toilet bowl. 

I'll try not to eat too much fats for the next week or so and see if that would give me body and easier time to digest everything. 

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Day 31-33

Forgot to do updates. Overall, I think I've been going a little downhill. My stomach hurts more and my nerves freak out quite a bit. I'm starting to think that it's nerve related as well. Will try to take magnesium from now. 

I tries calcium and it doesn't seem like my body likes it overly much. 

Also tried all kinds of milks. Almond, rice, proteinshakes. Nothing worked for tummy. Keep being so damn bloated all the time. The bloat is what concerns me the most. 

I tried soluble fiber but it looks like my stomach bloats even more. Plus it feeds the bad bacteria so I don't want to use too much of it. 

Tried going back to eating cooked vegetables. I tried rau muong last night. That was bad. Terrible terrible bloat and cramps and horrible pains. Lots of gas that it hurts when my guts contract. I haven't been able to poop all the food today. I'm so bloated right now. 

It seems like I can eat microwaved bananas do I'll keep eating a little bit of that. And dua gang. Watermelon but that fapcom diet says not to. I'm trying to eliminate as much sugar as possible from my diet. 

Argh. So bloated and I hurt everywhere. Just ordered Mg citrate. Will take some tomorrow just to get rid of the bloatedness. Hopefully the mg will soothe the nerves and make them less irritated.  

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Day 30

Definitely feel a lot better than a month ago. My tummy has healed about at least 80%. Only some slight burn here and there. 

I'm concerned about my colon though. There's a bulge in my lower left abdomen that burns and hurts more and more. The little ident on the left side has been burning quite a bit today as well. Stress, maybe? Hopefully when my tummy is completely healed, my colon will heal quickly right after that. Fingers crossed.

My foot hurts a lot less today. I think heat heals it. Cold fucks it up more. Just bought some heating pads. They help quite a bit. I think I'll be able to walk normally soon.  

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Day 29

Almost a month now and my stomach definitely feels a lot better since day 1. Yei for progress! But my guts are a little mess. 

I overate yesterday. Now my stomach suffers. I'm kinda anxious and worried all day. Not sure why. I'll go to the park to take my mind off this for a whole. Right now, I'm most worried about my bloatedness and the bulge in my lower abdomen. I'm seeing my doctor on Wednesday. I'll see what she has to say about this. 

My foot starts to hurt more today because I walked too much yesterday. Looks like today will be a low key day. It's appropriate since the weather is all funny and weird today. 

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Day 28 started milk thistle, turmeric. OVER-ATE!

Bad idea to over-eat. 

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Day 23

Ate too much salmon in one meal and ended up with a distended stomach. Tried to remedy it with lemon juice and ended up feeling some burning for about 45 min. Lame. 

5:17 stomach not burn anymore but still have sour taste in my mouth and an unnecessary amount of anxiety that I could have prevented. 

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Day 25

Woke up not feeling too pummeled, but stomach still burned a little. Today is day 2 since I reopened the wound because I'm a fucking moron. 

Lots of bubbles in my guts. 

My stool has like a spot of white powder floating up. I don't know what that could mean. 

A little freaked out because it's night and mom isn't home yet but it'll be alright. 

My foot just fucking hurts for some reason. No idea why. It just started hurting out of the blue since yesterday. I can't walk. What kind of low is this? Come on, gastritis, be a man and fight me like one. 

Much less burning and bloatedness today. Especially the burning. But I keep having diarrhea. I don't know if it's the die off process or not. Did some research but most of the websites say it depends on the people. Hmm. 

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Day 27 much much less bloatedness

White things are from yeast colonies?

My foot hurts for 2 days now. Woke up tired and with a sore throat. Thought it was die off candida. Turns out it was acid reflux???

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Day 26 new digestive enzyme

I have to take PPI and not just any kind of acid suppressor because beta blockers don't work as well. I took cimetidine last night and my esophagus is burned again.

I'll take PPI for 2 months and see what's up. 

Also, my guts hurt a little more because I ate multigrains bread which has shit I can't digest. So I'll go back to wheat now. 

I'm less bloated but that could easily be because I don't eat as much. I hurt more today than yesterday. I'll just fast 2 days a week. The third day I'll eat at 3. 

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Day 24

Added more probiotic from culterelle. 

Everyone went on the cruise so I freaked out a little bit earlier because I don't know what to do with myself now. Good thing my mom will be home in 4 hours!

Stomach burning has gone down but still flare up after eating. 

Will try to fast once every week. Maybe every Sunday. 

Will cut out all fiber because bad bacteria feed on that and make me bloat as fuck. 

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Day 21

Took test today. I think I'll go back to using some kind of acid suppression. Trying to figure out if I want omeprazole or zegerid or cimetidine. How much of the acid do I want to suppress?

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Day 22

Omeprazole causes me to have bubbles in tummy but not much I can do about that. Acid suppression will do that for you. I'll try to be on it for about 2 weeks and we'll what happens. I really need to be on something to stop the reflux otherwise my stomach can't heal. 

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Day 20 started vsl#3 probiotic

Took omeprazole last night. Stomach feels full of foam and bubbles but no burning thank goodness. I don't know if I want to take it everyday since it severely decreases my acid. I think I'll either take it every 2-3 days or just switch to cimetidine. Maybe I'll use cimetidine every other day and see what'll happen. I just don't like using PPI for a long time or at all. 

I'm gonna get through this and be healthy again. I'm a fighter! Fighting!

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Day 19 - 7/16/13 started more probiotics.

Lots of burning like I've ever experienced before. Especially around tummy and colon area. Some around the ovaries and small intestine. My left colon really hurts but I'll be okay. God is on my side. He won't leave me in a situation where I can get out. I have to trust in God. God is in control. He's shown me many things. I can't wait to see what he has in store for me next. I'm hopeful. It really can only get better after this. I can see myself getting healthy again. I can practically envision it in my head. Me in a white dress walking around. 

8:30 sucralfate. 

8:40 4 DGLs. 

Ate some cracker and honey. Aloe and glutamine. 

Sorry no updates today. Been busy getting over a break up. I'm getting better now. Fuck that guy. I don't need that guy in my life. I'm a survivor. 

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Sleepless night series- breaking up

EDIT: it's bad now but I think if I can tough it out, I will actually recover from my gastritis 100%. The reason why I wasn't was because of this. Its not big enough to aggravate my symptoms but it's big enough to prolong it. There's nothing that can hold me back from recovering!!! How liberating is that!!! I can actually recover now. No more stress from anything anymore. Gastritis and life have done their worse but obviously it's not enough to stop me. I'm still here. It's day 1 and I dot feel too bad!!!

It's 4 am. Needless to say, I am experiencing what most, if not all, the girls who have ever been in a relationship have experienced at least once in their lives. Le breaking up. It isn't a good place to be, really. In fact, it fucking sucks. It's 4am. I should be sleeping and not in physical and emotional pain and definitely NOT bloated.

My gastritis is worse, of course. I have pain all over my esophagus and my intestine all the way down to the area around the ovaries. It's bad. I woke up after an hour of sleep and couldn't go back to sleep again. It isn't a good place to be and I want to get out of it as soon as possible, but to do that, I need to cleanse myself. I need to process this hurt and pain that are expected because I dared to love and gave away a part of me and now I am mourning for that part that won't come back. Does that sound right? That it won't come back? I think it's more like a part that's broken and left bleeding. I'm mourning for the wound, the pain. It's like the mourning is the emotional pain reliever for the wound in my heart.

How could I not mourn for it? It was my first love. I've never loved anyone like I did him, so of course this would be hard. But I have to recognize that this is normal. Anyone who has ever gone through a break up experienced this feeling. It isn't unique and my relationship isn't unique either. A quick search on Google gave a bunch of results where their relationships are very similar to mine. So what does that mean? It means that my relationship is just another relationship. I'll hurt because he dumped me, but then again every girl does that, so I'm not alone. I'm actually pretty damn proud of myself for hanging on pretty well on day #1. I only have some burning and sleeplessness. Some girls when through a very traumatizing period. Some people have been in a relationship for 4-5 years before this happened! That makes me feel so much better about mine. Besides, mine has always been long distance so the blow is much much less worse.

I am confident that I'll get over this. I'll be honest and say that a part of me still want to have hopes that he'll come back to me after his crisis. But then again, would I really want him then? I might want him now but a year from now, really? Perhaps I would already have a new love then. Perhaps the next one will be my true love and he's waiting for me out there while I'm crying over this stupid relationship. That's not fair for me or him.

I'm strong and beautiful. I can get someone way better than him. I have a wonderful body and an amazing sense of humor. Come on. I am damn hilarious! I really should have nothing to feel insecure about. Even he told me that. Besides, I did everything I could to save this relationship. I even waited for him for 2 months. I know now that even though things don't work out, at least I gave it my best go. There's really nothing I can possible do more to save this. He's right. It is his battle to fight. It isn't mine. I did my part. Amazingly so. and I should feel happy about it. I should give myself some damn credit for it. I.did.good. 

It's too bad he doesn't realize what he's losing. He knows I'm the best he's ever had. I am a beautiful and wonderful submissive. His loss. He can never find another one like me. He can try, but he won't find another like me. And I'm taking all this wonderful submissiveness to give it all to someone who deserves it. Deserves me. Once he realizes that, it would be too late. I'd already be packin' and in a much, much better place. I watched a video and she's right, I want love and attention and kinky sex. Those are the things that I want. I don't want him. I only want him because I thought he could give me those things. Let's break things down and see how he did.

Does he really? If he did, he wouldn't have let me go so easily. Maybe we just hit a deadend. Maybe this is bound to happen. There isn't much I can do. I have to recognize that Anne, it isn't your battle to fight. He has to figure his shit out. You can't help him and NOTHING you say or DO can fix it. His "I love you" means nothing because he conciously chose to break up with you. No true loving man would have done that. Anne, you deserve better. Your time is here. Now. This is your season of increase. You don't need that man. Your man is waiting for you out there. Cleanse, ready yourself emotionally so that when God lets you meet him, you'll have living in joy and happiness. God works in mysterious way. This gastritis is an asshole but it made me realize so many things. I have so many realizations that it boggles my mind! (but I am off topic, of course).

I want someone who loves me so much that the thought of being away from me scares him or hurt him. I don't want someone who wants to live in a cave and forgets about me for 2 months then breaks up with me afterward. This man is a dick. He doesn't deserve me. Again, it is his loss because once he comes out of the stupid cave, he ain't never gonna find another one like me.

How much does he love me, really? If he has never even felt protective of me. He's never even been jealous the whole time he's with me. How much does he love me if he ran away the moment trouble came my way? Anne, you have to recognize that, if he loved you, he would have stuck with you when you needed him the most. Anne, HE LEFT YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED HIM THE MOST!!! AND NOTHING HE COULD EVER SAID OR DONE COULD FIX THAT. HE.LEFT.YOU.WHEN.YOU.NEEDED.HIM. He violated all his promises of sweeping me off my feet and shit. All lies. Lies. He's a liar. I don't need a liar in my life.


Obviously, not enough. He always wants to disconnect first. Always needs time to do other shit. Never enough attention, and even when he's around, he basically says what I want to hear. He never really helped me out. And he's a manipulator. And a liar. He made promises that he couldn't keep. LIAR. I don't need a liar, especially a manipulative liar. I'm beautiful and I should be confident about my personality and my appearance. I've never heard complains about either.

Kinky sex

Come on. Do we really have to go there? He's never given me an orgasm. Never. None. Nada. My vibrator satisfies me more than he could ever dreamt of. Sure, he's creative, but that's all. He doesn't even have a big dick. It was average at best. I don't need him to give me kinky sex. I can have kinky sex whenever I want. I'm a girl after all. Being intimate with him sucks. It fucking hurts most of the time. The whipping and spanking didn't turn me on at all. It just hurt. I'm glad he flew all the way here. Spend all that money on me, asshole.

So really, he didn't really meet my standards at all. The only reason why I wanted him is because he dumped me, but I'm a moron because I encouraged him to do that, which made my brain thinks that I really must have him because he is hard to get and shit. I don't need him. I need love, attention, and kinky sex (with orgasms, thank you very much) and it just doesn't tie to him, so my happiness isn't with this guy. So, as any rational person should do, I must move on from this dude and find someone else.

Also, let's break down the idea about why I want him back. Why do I want him back?

-Because he dumped me which made him look hard to get. Fuck that. Being with him sucks ass anyway. Hard. Big time. Like I said, he didn't meet my standard so the hard to get is only an illusion that I created. And if I made it, I can erase it too. God is in my favor. All the darkness of this illusion can't stop me from my destiny and my goals. I don't need him. I'm a woman of my own person.

-I think that I can never find another one like him. I mean, it feels so good. Come on. I already know that it's bullshit that moment that thought came out of my face. So good? When the fuck did I even get an orgasm from him? His fingers alone abraded my vaginal wall. The butt sex was pretty lame, man. I expected a lot more than that. It was like, not even a big deal. That was a lame sex, let's not talk about that sex. I mean, it's embarrassing! Bottom line: I won't miss him because of the sex. Period. It was just awkward and filled with pain. Seriously, I've just realized how true that is.

-I'll miss the attentioni. Maybe. A couple of months from now, I bet I'll laugh my ass off at the so called attention. I mean it's been 2 months and I haven't gotten any damn attention and I'm still standing, aren't I?

(Hahaha. I should comment on this post later on. I really want to hear what my future self has to say about this. Please make it hilarious, future self. Don't let me down!)

-All of the memories. Yeah but you got rid of most of the shit. You'll forget about those eventually too. Plus, the more I think about those things, the more of a manipulative person he truly is. It's fine. Memories fade. I bet most of them aren't even good. I just think they're good because I was looking at them through a pink colored pair of glasses or whatever it is that warped my reality.

This is the reality. He's a dick and an asshole who likes to abandon his woman when she needs him. I bet this isn't even the first time. I bet this has happened to all his women in the past.  what a dick. I feel bad for them. Maybe there's a reason one of them cheated on him. Maybe there's a reason why one of them felt that he didn't love her enough because he probably didn't. Keep getting lost and losing his ID and shit, you know? Maybe I think that this "I need to find my ID" shit is unique from him but he probably has pulled the same card on all his previous relationships. How would I know? Even if I did ask, he probably wouldn't tell me the truth.

In short, so far, we have figured out that he is a dick, an asshole, manipulative, a liar, and could be a serial ID finding bullshit to get out of a relationship. That makes him a coward, too. Oh my gosh. who the fuck have I been in a relationship with? I think it's pretty safe to say that I am the one that got away.

I feel so good knowing that he ain't gonna find another one just like me. I am irreplaciable, bitches. Unlike him.

I feel much better after analyzing this whole relationship. I'm just pissed now because I feel like I was cheated. What the fuck. I'm sleepless over that? My stomach hurts a lot more over that? I suffer for that? What the fuck, Anne. Not cool, Anne. This isn't even worth my time. I would have walked right past this kind of crap any day. Get your shit together now, Anne.

I'm just plagued by memories and what he said right now, but it's natural process of purging. Right now, my neurons are rewiring itself, killing all the neural connections that are involving him and this "relationship." It's gonna take time, and until then, those connection will keep firing and a desperate attempt to save themselves. Too bad. That ain't never gonna happen. You know why? Because Joel Osteen said to me, hey obstacles, be it these pesky neural connections or a bad break up or gastritis that refuses to heal, "you have met your match. You can't get any bigger, but I can. I'm gonna dig my heals in, and I'm gonna fight. You might have defeated me this time, but I'll come back and defeat you. You have done your best, but your best is no match for me." I am still standing even after this shitty break up, and I'll come back stronger than this. You've just qualified me for a season of double and increase. I am stronger than you. I'll come out of this in one piece and I'll have a story to tell. I am strong. Thank you God for helping me realize what I really need and want in life. Thank you God for showing me the way and getting me back on track again. Thank you, thank you God for not giving up on me even when I don't believe you. I am now your follower and I can't be any happier to be one. God is amazing.

Now I know that it's going to be hard the next couple of days. Maybe weeks. Things might be hard when the neural connections try to keep themselves alive. They'll torture my body but sickness and emotional dramas can't stay in my forever. I am a victor and was born by God. Nothing can stop me unless I let it. God is in my favor and all the forces in the world can't stop me. I'll come out of this alive and in one piece. i'll be back to being 100% healthy once again. This sickness will not defeat me. I am a winner and a victor. As long as there's a breath in me, I will keep fighting. Give me your best, gastritis. Get bigger. Get worse. Give me everything you've got, at the end of the day when you have done everything you could to me, I promise you, I will still be standing. I am stronger and getting bigger every day. I can envision myself being whole and healthy once again. I know things do not look this way right now. Me going through a shitty break up and my gastritis getting worse, but plenty of people have gone through worse and came out alive, I will too. But I'll come out not only alive, but wiser and incredibly stronger.

I declare war on my sickness. You will not stay in me forever. Thank you God for letting my cells multiply right now. Thank you God for shielding and protecting all my cells from the acid. I can see my cells multiply and my wounds reduced until they've completely gone. I can see myself healthy again. I can even TASTE that vision. I'm going to wear that white dress when this has blown over and smile upward at you, God. Because everything I am and have done, you're always there to help me. Through my eye of faith, I can see myself whole and healthy and so much more alive in the future. My time is here, and I won't let it go. Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to get better. I won't let you down. I was lost once, but I am now back on track and so much wiser. My eyes have been opened. You are my best guidance and I can't tell you how thankful I am that you did not give up on me. Thank you for your limitless mercy. Thank you God.

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Day 18 - 7/15/13 Started using Gastrozyme!

Still fasting today. 

9:15 3 aloe, 2 glutamine. 

Sore throat. Took 4 slippery elm lozenges. 

10:15 2 DGLs. Some burning. 

10:27 sucralfate. 
Walked 30 mins with mom. Significantly less burning today!!! MY TIME IS HERE!!!

11 align and fiber. 

11:55 sucralfate. 

12:25 1 cracker and some honey. 
Headache in back of head. Not enough energy perhaps. :/

Woaaaaa. Hungry as fuck. Ate food at 3:12, mon and salmon. Hopefully I don't burn to death because of this. 

Still shaky from lack of nutrients but no pain so far. 

Took 6 slippery elm lozenges. 

5:15 sucralfate. 

5:30 toast with some butter. 

A burning spot on the left on back. 

5:52 spinach and some mon. Gastrozyme. Probiotic. Pepzin. 

6:10 2 multivitamins. 

8:11 sucralfate. 

Broke up. 

9:30 Gastrozyme. Probiotic. Pepzin. Still some burning in stomach and slight pain in middle of upper stomach. 

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Day 17 - 7/14/13

Slept not too bad but I don't know if it's because my stomach has calmed down or because I took my omeprazole. There's gotta be a cause for this. I just need to find out what it is. 

Feel kinda tired now. I did have some reflux up my throat and esophagus so it scares me because that means my valve is not functioning well. The doctor said it takes more than 3 months for the valve to be damaged so I'll just hold on to that. I really want an endoscopy but the doctor is a dick and won't let me. 

I'm having this ridiculous hunger that I can't even explain right now. Can't be thirst, I just drank. 

It's okay though. If the valve is messed up, I can always get the surgery. I just can't figure out a good way to eat without having my stomach to work because my stomach gets more injured if it has to work. And I'm kinda scared of the bloatedness too. Urgh. It's so bad especially around night. 

Feel a little pummeled and got a zit on my chin but it's expected since I felt great yesterday even though I had a shitty night's sleep. 

But I'm gotta get over this. I had a good night's sleep so I can vision that my body is healed even though I feel tired. 

I kinda want to do a colon cleanse but I don't know which brand to use. Some brand are really bad and might injure my guts further. I think I'll need to see my GI some time next next week. Doing the gastric emptying test on Thursday. Hopefully that won't kill my stomach. 

My throat hurts too so I think I have pretty bad reflux last night without knowing? Sometimes I feel like I have reflux (because my chest hurts) but I don't taste the sourness. What does that mean?

Will not use enzymes today. God help me with the bloatedness. 

I still think I'll get rid of this though. I can feel it. This can't defeat me. I'm bigger and stronger. I can't wait to get my life back. 

9 3 aloe, 2 glutamines. 

9:40 2 DGLs. 

Cold intolerance comes back. Foggy brain. Hard to walk/coordinate. 

New pain on the left side line from vagina to further up of lower abdomen. 

Extremely bloated.  

Sometimes I have vaginal spasms.

My poop has a very smooth finish. When it touch it, it didn't break the skin. Bubbles in poop. 

False results because of cipro and omeprazole?

11:30 took 1 fish oil and 1 align. 

11:57 A cup of coconut water. 3 aloe gels. 

1:13 1 cup of coco juice, 2 glutamine. 

Cold. Foggy brain. Slow to think. Headache. 

Been on liquid diet all day. 

1:30 1 cracker. Hopefully I won't die from this...

Sore throat???

Fell asleep now I'm bloated more. I've been bloated since waking up but I'm much more bloated now. There's pressure on that spot on the left below my navel. Colon issue? Sooo bloated. 

2ish 3 aloe held. 

2:20 2 DGLs. 

2:40 cracker and 1 fiber gummy. 

A little less bloated now but still pressure on colon area below navel. 

3:45 2 DGLs. Less bloated and less burning. 

4 1 cracker. 

6:11 2 DGLs. 

6:35 mon and salmon. Spinach. NM probiotic, pepzin, fiber. 

Some burning in middle of upper stomach but went away when drank coco juice. 

9 ate some potatoes. Slight burning. Drank some coco juice. Seems to settle down a bit. 

Is it possible that I have bile reflux?

Small intestinal bacterial overgrowth?

10 Took cimetidine. 

10:30 1 aloe gel. 2 glutamine. 

More acid than yesterday but able to fall asleep. 

4:30 woke up hungry.  Ate a cracker and ended up having reflux in mouth. Took some sucralfate and it seems to reduce the amount of acid a bit. Fell back to sleep at 5:30. 

9 woke up with irritated itchy/pins and needle in chest and throat. Sour taste in mouth. Less than other times but still a lot. 

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Day 16 - 7/13/13

Not a good day. Very bloated for some reason. Woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I had a band of shit in my waist that won't go down. Very annoyed. Made me want to vomit or something. 

Got hunger pangs too...

I do notice that the burning and hunger pangs go away relatively though. So that's something to be happy about. 

I'll try to take one more fish oil before going to bed from now on. Hopefully it will help to reduce the inflammation at night. 

Took some 3 aloe, 3 DGLs, some chao in the middle of the night. 

8ish 2 glutamine, sucralfate. 

9:30 3 DGLs. 

Lots of burning and pain in tummy and intestines.  

10 ate some spinach with chao and 2 pieces of salmon. 

Terrible terrible pain immediately after the meal for about 20 mins. Never been in this much of pain before. 

Finally subsided to the intestine and back. Stomach doesn't seem to hurt very much. I think this is because I man-handled the intestines last night because I felt so bloated. Must have injured them. 

10:40 brused teeth again because too much acid. Took some honey. 

It seems like I hurt the most immediately after the meal and 1 hour after that. Very weird. Usually I hurt throughout the meal then it stops when there seems to be no more food in my stomach. 

I still have hope that I'll heal in 3 more months though. I'm very optimistic about that! I'll keep fighting. I'm a fighter. 

11:04 2 multivitamins, 1 fiber. 

12:30 walked for an hour! Woo!

12:40 3 aloe gels, 2 glutamines in chamomile. 

1:30 chao, canh, 2 pieces of salmon. Pepzin, align, 1 fiber. 

2:00 2 multivitamins. 

Some burning but still bearable. Been walking but now getting distracted by relationship problems. Anyway, I think I'm back to the old pattern of having less pain during the day and more at night. Weird. I keep oscillating back and forth. I'm guessing tonight will be another uncomfortable night. I really think that my psychology has a lot to do with this. 

3:30 sucralfate, 3 aloe gels. 

3:55 3 DGLs. 

4:20 spinach, chao, 2 salmons. Pepzin. 1 fish oil. 

5:30 2 glutamine. 

Feel tired. Probably from lack of sleep last night. Tired brain too. I need to eat more. 

5:42 3 DGLs. 

Relatively not bloated but more pain than usual. Could be from the protease or from the burning last night. 

More bloated now for some reason. Super so. Looks like I'm pregnant. 

6:20 food some chao, canh with carrot sue, 1 piece of chicken with salmon. I didn't use the enzymes. Will see if the enzymes are what causing the pain/burning today. Hopefully not. I'd like to be able to use it and be less bloated. 

9 canh mon with 2 salmon pieces. 

Arrrrh! So much pain!!!!!

9:50 1 fish oil. 

11:14 So. Much. Pain. I really hope I'm not bleeding. Already took omeprazole and 2 glutamine. I don't know what is causing this. Was it the food or something else???

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Day 15 - 7/12/13

Slept okay. Forgot and slept on stacked pillows instead of DD and had a shitty night's sleep at first. Stomach doesn't feel as good as yesterday. Already have some burning. I'll try to not eat for a couple of hours to see if it would do anything. 

More pain around belly button. Wonder if it has something to do with the little piece of salmon I ate around 11. 

Baking soda test #2, no burping whatsoever. 

I think I have low acid now. 

10:20 2 glutamine. 

10:51 3 DGLs. 

11:07 chao with 1 piece of salmon. Pepzin and fish oil. 

11:23 No burning. Just yet?

Definitely burning and some reflux. Darn. Well at least I had a good day yesterday. Probably a good sign that my healing is kicking in. 

12:45 sucralfate. Hurts a little and some warmth. Not sure what's going on there. 

1:07 3 DGLs. 

1:25 canh with 1 piece of chicken. 

1 culturelle and 2 fiber gummies. 

Sucralfate seems to help with the burning. Hopefully I don't have an ulcer. At any rate, I think I'll keep using that for now since it doesn't seem to have any too bad of a negative effect. 

Decided not to eat for 3 hours so I can go buy betaine. Not a good idea. I almost died from lack of nutrients. Took half of the betaine now my stomach is freaking out. It hurts and burns. Took 2 tums and pepto to calm it. Barely. I don't know if I has low stomach acid but I don't think I'll be testing it out any time soon. I need time for my stomach to calm down and heal first. Still experiencing some kind of burning in my back. Wow. Scary stuff but I don't think I would have done anything differently if I were given the chance as to whether I would take the betaine. You gotta try everything and see what works. This time I failed but I did succeed in other things like licorice and coconut oil and aloe. 

I'm a little anxious now because my stomach is still burning a bit and it scares my brain though I must say I'm surprised it doesn't burning all that much. I just feel extremely gassy right now and no release from that obviously. 

I'll probably need to cry to vent all the sacres and frustration. I think the next thing to do is to take enzymes to help with bloatedness and wait for another week before thinking of trying this again if I want to. It's okay to fuck up because once I succeed, my symptoms will vastly improve. Plus I have something great to write for my personal statement now. So it's kind of a silver lining. 

4:30 pepzin, gas x, betaine, tums, pepto. 
I think I'll take some stool softener soon. Need to release this gas somehow. 

6 3 DGLs, sucralfate. 

6:30 chao with 1 piece of salmon, some soup. Align. 3 aloe gels. Very full and bloated. Some burning in my back from betaine earlier. Probably take about 3 days to stop. 

7ish 1 nature made probiotic. 2 fiber gummies. Burning! 3 glutamines. Burning on and off. 

Will try to add more probiotic in my day from now on. 

9:22 chao with canh and chicken with enzymes, 3 aloe gels, pepzin.

Bloatedness subsided. 

10:40 sucralfate. Some burning and pain as it goes down. Not sure what's going on in there. 

11:05 2 glutamine. 

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Day 14 - 7/11/13 GOOD DAY!

Didn't get hungry in the middle of the night. 

Tried the baking soda test #1. Didn't burp at all for 7 min. Low acid? Will go by apple cider vinegar now. 

9:51 2 glutamine. 

10:43 2 DGLs. 

11:20 food (canh with carrots su and 2 pieces of chicken)

3 spoonfuls of apple cider vinegar diluted in water. (7ml of apple cider and a cup of water). 

Stopped using enzymes. 

Some warmth especially in upper abdomen. Some pins and needles. 

2 fiber gummies. 

1 fish oil. Feels like its stick in throat. Wonder if my stomach has weird pressure. 

Pressure on left nose and back of left head. 

12:50 2 DGLs. Mouth tastes bland. 

1:05 smallest bowl of chao and 1 salmon piece. 

1:15 2 multivitamins. 

More apple cider vinegar. ~10 spoons. 

3:05 2 DGLs. 

3:20 canh with some chicken and 1 salmon. Penzin. 2 fiber gummies. 2 coco oils. 

Will try tiny meals now. 

Hey a dog stopped in its track and wanted to be petted by me. Best day ever!!!

3:40-4:40 walked. 1 hour. Woo!

4:45 3 aloe gels. 

5:35 food (canh with chicken and salmon). 

Took align. More pain now. Feels like my wounds are opened when I eat. My pain gets worse throughout the day which is backwards from what has been happening usually. I tend to feel worse at night and after I wake up then the pain feels better as the day progresses. 

Lots of itching where it used to hurt. Healing???

Still a good day. 

Lots of itching, warmth underneath both breasts but not a lot of pain. The spot of pain on the right breast immediately under the breast is probably a referred pain? 

Fucking itchiness where it used to hurt. Really hope it's healing and not some kind of allergic reaction. 

Some pain in the upper abdomen area immediately below my breasts. Barely any pain in my navel. Some pins and needles in my lower abdomen below belly button. 

I have to be more careful with what I eat now. Don't want to ruin the progress. I am going up and I would like to keep going up until I'm all healed!

Will keep up with the baking soda test tomorrow. A pretty good chance I have low acid. 

Still have some hot flashes and abdomen always hot when I eat even the smallest meal.

7 3 aloe gels. 

8:07 4 DGLs. 

8:25 ate some canh with chicken and salmon again. Super Bloated! Too much fiber?

9:55 2 multivitamins. 

10:01 aloe gels. 

11 3 glutamine. More pain and warmth feeling at night for some reason. 

Still a good day. Le puppy!

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Day 13 - 7/10/13

Slept okay. Stomach burning around 5 and before bed. Woke up super hungry but couldn't eat because need to fast for ultra sound. 

9:18 3 DGLs. 

9:40 food (canh with chicken), pepzin, 2 fibers, 3 coco oils. 

10:21 2 multivitamins. 

11:10 2 glutamine. 

12:01 3 DGLs. 

12:23 2 coco oils. 

12:35 food (rice and fish) with 2 fibers, culturelle. 

Walked for ~40 mins. 

2:53 3 DGLs. 

3:15 ate vegetable soup (carrot, su), some rice, 1 piece of salmon and chicken. 

Some aching and pain but not too bad.

3:59 2 multivitamins.  

4:22 2 coco oils. 

4:36 2 coco oils. 

5:12 3 DGLs. 

Hurt more and feel fully more easily. 

5:50 2 salmon pieces and a little bit of porridge. 

Meh day. Still have lots of pain especially around noon ~4pm to night. My eso area between breasts feels painful and so is the area where my stomach is. 

7:52 3 DGLs. 

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Day 12 - 7/9/13

Terrible night with lots of acid producing in my stomach. Haven't felt that much burning in a long time. Mostly on the left side on the back. Reminded me of really bad time when I just got home. Taking water causes acid to pour out too. It was scary. Omeprazole worked to keep the acid at bay but I feel like there's something irritating my stomach so it's trying to get rid of it. Burning subsided late at night but I woke up with a mouthful of acid. So acidic I didn't even have bad breath in the morning. My chest feels achy and itchy now probably from the slight pressure of the bra. 

I need to check my LES with an endoscopy and see if I have any yeast or fungi in my stomach or any bacteria. At the doctor now. Maybe toxic? Will try to get an endoscopy and some more tests done on me. I will find the cause and kill this disease. I have hope again!

9 2 glutamine. 

9:30 4 DGLs. 

9:45 some mon (3 pieces) with 2 fiber gummies. 

1 3 DGLs. 

1:30 food rice with 2 pieces of steamed fish. 

3:00 DGLs. 

3:15 food (mon with chicken)

3:43-4:17 walked. 

Started using culturelle probiotic. 

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Day 11 - 7/08/13 pretty bad day. But I'll keep fighting! I'm a fighter!!!

Woke up at 6:45! Fuck me but I'm not even tired 15 minutes after that. I think something is wrong here. Head was well elevated thanks to DD but my guts are really hot. Feels like I'm pummeled again and that nothing in my stomach is moving. Able to pass gas though. That's not too bad. 

It seems that lying on DD puts lots of pressure on my intestine. Had a reflux free night but now my lower abdomen is very tender and sore especially around the belly button area. Will try to go back to sleeping on stacked pillows tonight. Maybe I should alternate?

6:45 2 glutamine. 

8:23 2 DGLs. 

8:47 sucralfate. Just cuz. 

Sucralfate doesn't seem to do anything. Unfortunately. 

Ate some brown rice and have sour taste in mouth. I think it's because I still can't digest it. Will try to eat white rice from now on and chicken. There were chunks of things in my poop today. Probably the fish. 

Pretty sure the hot flashes are from the huge amount of acid being dumped in my guts. 

11 Had a massive poop. Now tired and tummy hurts from too much acid earlier. Burning. Scary. 

11:10 3 aloe gels. 

11:38 burning subsided but still have lots of pins and needles. 

Turns out it was because of the brown rice and instead of lying on DD. 

Still have pins and needles on either LES or intestine (upper abdomen). 

1:47 2 glutamine. 

I'm so scared I'm not gonna get better and that I'll hve to live with this for the rest of my life. I'm too young. Why me??? I barely even lived my life! Why me. Oh God, why me???

I cried a lot and still don't feel better. My stomach still burns and heaviness in intestines like nothing is moving. I still can't accept that this is going to be my life from now on. It's not fair. There are people who drink and party everyday yet they don't get anything. It's not fair. It's not fair! I want my life back! I want it back. 

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I can't even find a single good thing to motivate myself anymore. I want to fight but it's difficult because it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle right now. My stomach, I can pamper it and hopefully it will go back to normal with time but if I have GERD, it's for life. I'm so scared because I've been having a sour taste in my mouth all the time. I'm so scared... I just want a second chance. Please. Just a second chance. I swear will pray every day for the rest of my life. If I get better without any permanent damages, I'll be a true believer in God, because this takes a miracle. 

2:50 2 DGLs. 

3:15 food. 

Constant sour taste in mouth. Hurts, burning in stomach and especially the esophagus. I'm so so scared. I've been crying for at least a good 30 minutes. I just want my life back. That's all I want. I just want to be a healthy 22 year old woman again. Please. Someone out there please help me. I'm so scared and hopeless. Give me a sign please!

Dad got a new job that he thought he couldn't. Isn't that a good sign for me too???

6:45 2 DGLS

7:15 food and 1 pepzin. 

Walked with mom but not a significant amount of exertion. 

8:57 3 DGLs. 

Sucralfate. Seems to lessen and soothe the burning this time. 

9:30 1 omeprazole because I keep having burning on the left side of stomach around my back. Won't stop no matter what I do. 

Wonder if all this could be because I've been sitting too much and waking up too early?

10:34 omeprazole starts to work. Acid is gone. Still some achy feeling. Hopefully tomorrow will be better! I'll try to eliminate all the possible problems that can cause gastritis so that the only option left is just more time for my gastritis to heal properly. There's got to be a reason why my gastritis is not healing. I'm gonna find it and I'll fix it. I will not have it forever. That is not an acceptable option. 

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Day 10 - 7/7/13

Slept okay. Woke up more energized-ish than yesterday but there is definitely more burning in my esophagus because my chest area and LES region ITCHED. 

Consequence of the movie? (sitting for ~3 hours?)

Keep feeling acid going up and down in tummy. Upper abdomen feels warm, still some burning on the left side but right side seems to be okay. A little depressed that my reflux won't ever be cured but feel better afterward. 

I'm a fighter. I'll keep fighting!

8:30 2 glutamine

9 3 aloe

9:30 2 DGLs

9:45 ate a bit of white rice. Lot of sour taste in mouth.

10:20ish ate white rice porridge mixed with brown rice and steamed salmon. still have acid reflux but not so much that I feel any burning. 

2 coconut oils. 

-grocery shopping and visit Ba-

1:00 2 DGLs. 

1:13 3 aloe gels. 

1:20 Food with more brown than hire rice. Salmon and mon. 

1 coco bottle. 3 coco oils. 

2:33 2 fiber gummies. 1 multivitamin. 

4:58 finished rice with soup of spinach and chicken. 1/4 of salmon. 

Stomach hurts because I over eat. Will try to eat more often from now on. Smaller meals. 

1 multivitins. 2 fiber gummies.

Pooped. Brown (Yei!) but soft and watery. Less mucusy. 

5:18 1 align and 2 coconut oils. 

Sour taste in back of throat and burning in stomach and esophagus that won't go away. I'm scared. 

Found out it was because of the spinach!!!

Doctor's appt tomorrow. 

7 3 aloe gels. 

8:15 2 DGLs. 

9:15 food, white rice with fish and 3 pieces of mon. 

Achy esophagus and pain on stomach and right side. 

9:29 1 coconut oil to try to coat the esophagus. 

10:15 2 glutamine

10:40 1 aloe gel

Lots of tummy burning for some reason. 

10:55 3 DGLs.  Really want the burning to go away!!! Stop undoing all my progress!!! Argh!!!

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Day 9 - 7/6/13

Slept okay but woke up at 5 hungry and need to pee a lot. There's a spot on the left side that keeps hurting after I eat and won't go away. Definitely more tired than yesterday.

9:05 2 glutamine. 

10:22 2 DGLs.

11 ate food with mon and khoai lang. Baked salmon and chicken. Barely any pain.

12:45 ate food again and went to the movie theater. Some reflux and ended up staying at the mall until 4. Bad idea because I think that aggravated my problem a little. I have more pain in the afternoon than at night. But it's mild so I'm hoping it will go away in a day or two. I have to enjoy my life some time.

3:30 2 glutamine

4 2 DGLs

4:28 ate food. Pretty much the same as in the morning.

2 multivitamins, 2 fiber gummies.

(More pain started here.)

7:30 food.

7:55-8:25 went for a walk. 30 mins.

8:45 drank 2 gulps of Ensure milk. Some pins and needles but not so bad.

I have pain on the underside of both breasts, especially the left breast which makes sense because that is where my stomach is. But what is on the right side???

Pain on lower abdomen on the right too. That one spot. I think it's my gut though.

My pelvis still feel pretty crammy down there. I'll probably have it checked out if it doesn't go away in a week after my period.

Is a bit depressed because my symptoms worsened and is scared that the LES sphincter won't ever heal, causing me to have reflux forever...

Dad called too and I just keep feeling like a dick because I haven't come to visit my grandma. She had a stroke and now can't remember much. If only I came visit her before then...but that's a whole different story.

Took 3 aloe gels at some point. 

9:38 took 1 Mastic Gum for first time. Some burning in underside of left breast.

10 ate some chao with 1/4 of chicken breast. Left breast burning stopped but now my upper abdomen is warm to the touch (possibly because of Mastic Gum?). Some acid reflux in mouth that is going away. Took about 30 mins.

Able to pass gas better through (butt or mouth) ever since the CT scan. 

10:45 2 glutamine. Preparing to go to bed at 11:24. 

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Day 8 - 7/5/13

Was going to have a really really good day until I had horrible horrible knee pains and had to take Tylenol which completely destroyed my insides again. Now I'm having a lot of burning in my stomach down to my intestines and my throat as well. Don't know how to stop it. FML. just when I thought everything is almost back to normal. My knee has to be a dick now I'm back to being sick again. I think this would take at least 7 days for me to go back to feeling good like yesterday.

Took 3 aloe, 1/2 Tylenol, some porridge at night. 

Ended up having hunger pains! Urgh. 


8:30 2 glutamine. 

9:20 1 cimetidine curb the acid production. 

Will try not to eat too much today. Maybe veggie juice for the first half of the day then some rice later in the afternoon?

Probably need to be on PPI for the next few days. 

12:30 2 more glutamine because they help me staying away and energized. 

12ish 1 DGLs. Finished a whole bottle

1 drank bottle of coconut juice

2 3 aloe gels. Burning and pain especially around belly button but it's a lot better than when I just woke up. 

Will try some veggie water in a little bit. 

2:25 2 DGLs. 

2:41 food. ca nuong and veggies with rice porridge. 

2 fiber gummies 2 multivitamins. 

2:49 1 pepzin. 

4:26 2 DGLs. 

4:46 porridge with chicken and baked fish. Feel okay. Some sour taste in mouth but no more burning!!!

6:17 to 7:20 walked. 1 hour! Woo!

7:21 2 DGLs. 

8 ate food and took pepzin. 

Drank 1 coconut bottle. Sweet Jesus, it's good. 

9ish ate some canh. Bloated and heavy tummy. Took half of carbges pill. Felt better. 

10:45 1 cimetidine. 

10:55 2 glutamine. 

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Day 7 - 7/4/13

Slept from 2-9:30. Woke up feeling kinda pummeled but still pretty good. My body is getting more and more toned but tummy isn't there yet. Hmm. 

Also pins and needles on limbs and a spot on upper stomach, near bottom of breast. 

9:30 3 aloe gels and 2 glutamine. 

10:10 2 DGLs. 

10:35 Ate meal 1. Same thing. 

11-11:30 walked. 30 mins. 

1:45 ate meal 2. Pooped. Feel better but period has been really watery and clots. Pelvic pains. 

2:11 2 fiber gummies. 

3:02 2 glutamine. 

Found out I have a ruptured ovarian cyst from CT.  

4:30 bowl of veggie. Stomach started hurting and burning. 

5:30 3 aloe gels. 

6:10 1 DGLs to try to stop the burning. 

6:23 2 DGLs. Able to pass gas ever since the CT scan day. I think something was obstructing my guts before that. That's why I couldn't pass gas. 

My stomach keeps burning still. Don't know why. 

7:30 finished eating. Took 1 Align. 

8:40 got back from giant with mom. Took 2 DGLs. 

9 ate meal 4. No more burning. 

10 took cimetidine. 

10:30 2 glutamine. 

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Day 6 - 7/3/13

Flare up. Very bad stomach cramp. Keep spitting out very white foam and hungry(?). Left side of lower abdomen bulges out slightly. My tummy hurts again. Yogurt is really bad for my stomach. 

6ish took 1 glutamine. 

10 3 aloe gels. Probably will have to wait until 12:30 to do CT. 

4:19 just got back from CT. Have been consuming nothing but water all day. Took 3 DGLs. Feel so defeated...

4:45 2 glutamine. 

5:40 half a tiny bowl of veggie juice. 

6 food and veggies with penzin, 1 multivitamins and fiber gummies. 

7 2 DGLs. 

7:30 more food with ca hap 

7:40 multivitamins and 3 aloe gels. 

7:50 some honey to helps with burn/pins feeling. Kinda worked. 

8:45 ate some veggies. Some burning. 

3 aloe gels and one probiotic Align. 

10 took 1 cimetidine. 

10:45 2 DGLs. burning lessened. Not too much bloatedness. Yei!

Developed crazy chicken and veggie cravings around 1:30. Ate chicken and felt great but tummy can't handle obviously. 

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Day 5 - 7/2/13

OkI couldn't sleep because my tummy was really hurt and irritated. I regret every single second of eating that stupid second yogurt. I will try aligned again and see if it would help instead of eating yogurt because it seems like my body doesn't like dairy products. I went to bed at around 1:30 and slept until 9 but before that my stomach hurt so much that I ate some vegetables to try to pacify it and ended up having almost diarrhea around 12:30 am. Suffice to say my stomach did not have a good day yesterday. Gosh, I hate myself so much. More control and discipline from now on.

My tummy doesn't really hurt anymore but that indentation does and my sphincter hurts like a son of a bitch.

9:25 took 1 glutamine

10:15 2 DGLs.

10:40 ate small meal 1 and 1 pepzin. 

11 stomachache. Not diarrhea but feels like I need to go really bad. Did poop yellow poop with not a lot of mucus. Seems normal except it was yellow. 

Tummy hurt and pain and pins and needles. Lots of bubbles. Belly button hurts. Yogurt is so insidious. 

I cried again. It was so scary and hopeless. Now the pain has lessened but I don't want to do anything. My stomach feels full of bubbles I can feel them move.

My preriod is watery and I have very bad cramps. Wonder if the pain on the right side of my pelvis has anything to do with this.

After crying, I felt sleeply and almost went to bed. Felt bloated a little after that an went to the bathroom. Ended up pooping again and now I am very tired and exhausted. Just like how I was when I just got home. Today isn't a good day. I'm concerned that I might have more than one thing going on. 

12:40 took 1 glutamine. 

1:17 took 2 DGLs. 

1:45 finished small meal 2. 

Noticed that muscles are getting tighter especially on arms and thighs. Probably because of the glutamine.  

2:34 1 glutamine and 3 aloe gels. 

3:13- 3:24 finished veggie soup. 

4:00 2 DGLs. 

5:34-6:22 walked! 50 min! Woo!

7:02 2 DGLs. 

7:36 finished veggie soup. 

8:30 ate food and some potatoes. 

9:10 took one aligne pill. 

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Sleepless night part 2

I'm having a rather unpleasant time right now. It doesn't look like I'll be able to have a good night's sleep today since my stomach is irritated again. I feel so frustrated and kinda hate myself for not being able to have a stricter control on my body, but at the same time, it's hard for me not to want to eat everything since I haven't been able to eat much for more than 2 months now. But still, I think I can do better than this.

At any rate, since I can't fall asleep, I figure I'd make another sleepless night post. I still want to talk about my mom and Erik. I think I'll talk about Erik first since it's been on my mind all day.

Long story short, I met him on Omegle, which is a really sketchy place to meet people to begin with. We hit it on very well and started "dating" since then. A lot of things happened, I kept pushing him away because I didn't want to be hurt or rejected. He stood by me through all of that I am very grateful that he did, but a part of me doesn't feel happy. Couldn't feel happy. For some reason, I keep feel a little unfulfilled when I'm with him. I keep feeling like he doesn't given me enough while I give and give and give. I even take the backseat when it comes to whose needs should come first. I put him as my number one priority. I would work my schedule around his so I could spend more time with him.

Needless to say, he doesn't do that for me. He fits me in his schedule instead of the other way around like I do. The months leading up to all this, I kept feeling like we were drifting apart and, now that I think about it, maybe we were, so I kept pushing and pushing and making efforts to close the gap between us. It didn't help. The more I tried, the more he pulled back. It just didn't feel right, but at that time I was also preoccupied with this nasty gastritis so I was really physically and emotionally exhausted, but I still made time for him and he did for me, but everything just felt so...cumbersome. We barely even enjoyed our time together. Our conversation basically revolved around "how do you feel" and "are you getting better." I felt so hopeless in this relationship; I thought sex would bring us close together, would somehow fix this gap between us. It didn't and I feel like an idiot now. I wasn't well then and I risked my health to fix this relationship. I feel so stupid. Even though he didn't ask for it, I still feel so stupid for trying so hard. I resent him because he didn't seem to be doing anything to help me out. To help this whole thing out. I know it's probably my own battle. He probably wasn't even aware about these feelings of mine, but still, somehow it hurts me. Perhaps I was selfish for resenting him since at the time he did have a lot on his plate as well. I suppose I resented him because I just needed something to channel my anger and frustration.

One thing led to another and we took a break. He said he was incredibly tensed from life and his workload. I didn't ask what was wrong. I just accepted it and gave him time though I was secretly happy that we took a break since it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to having to deal with my illness and my failing relationship. With us taking a break, I could concentrate on getting better alone, which was exactly what I did, and that's how I found out about all the supplements and alternative medications. I've been on the new "treatments" for about a week now and I feel better. Not cured, but better. This is another concern of mine, because I don't even know when I would be completely healed or whether I would ever be at all. The thought really terrifies me. What if this is what I have to live with for the rest of my life? This half life, half death existence where I can't even be away from the source of food for more than 1.5 hours? If it's only 4 months, I can handle, but not for the rest of my life. What kind of existence would that be? I'm scared to think about that. I don't ever want to be a burden.

I'm scared that Erik would leave me because with my health like this, I can't do anything. Two people can only talk about things for so long. I'm afraid that the love will fade away without the sex, but then again, I've tried the sex and it didn't work either, so really, I don't even know what to do know. I'm just afraid and scared about the future. It doesn't look very bright. Sure, I have good days and bad days and the good days are getting longer, but will I ever regain my life back? Oh God, please help me be healthy again. I've never wanted anything in my entire life as much as I want to be healthy again right now. What wouldn't I give for that. What wouldn't I.

Though, I must say, being away from him is probably a good thing, too. It gives me the chance to see me from a different perspective. I was worried that I would drive myself crazy without him. It turns out that the first 3 weeks, I didn't even notice any difference. In fact, I was (almost) back to my normal, content self before I knew him. I was about to go out, go shopping, watch a movie (when I wasn't in too much pain). And I was content. Not happy, but content. Busy but content. I realized that I don't need him to be okay. I'm just fine without him. I realized that I willed myself to be dependent of him. I willed myself into letting him decide when I am and when I am not happy by deciding that I'm only happy when I'm with him. I realized that I didn't need him as much as I thought I would. Without him, I am still my own person. I can think and function just as well. I don't need him. I'm a perfectly capable young woman all on my own.
Being away from him really helped me got myself together. I realized that I had lost myself before. I had no identity, no me, no will to decide anything. I just want to be with him! That's all I wanted. And it's so wrong. That wasn't me. I have dreams. I'm capable. I have things I want to do and I have goals. I lost all of that. No, I gave up all of that because I put him as my number one priority. No wonder I was so unhappy. I got my priorities all mixed up. No wonder I was so upset around him. No wonder I felt so unfulfilled and upset when he fit me in his schedule. Although he told me I was one of his priorities, I was always upset when he tried to fit me in his schedule instead of building it around me like I did for him. I was really upset about that for a long time. I actually thought that was how things were supposed to happen when you're in love with someone. How silly.

I really need to get myself back. The old me is interesting and content. I want her back. I want all my goals and dreams and the dirty nasty secrets of the old me back. That's me. That's who I am. That's who he fell in love with in the first place, not this clingy, no identity, and no self-respect creature I've let myself become. No wonder he pulled back from me. He isn't change. It's me who did. I made a mistake, or rather my point of view about loving another person was flawed. I ran with that wrong ideal and was always upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

Besides, I feel like I'll be okay without him. Before all this I was scared that without him I would be so lost and sad because my entire happiness was based on him. Now I feel freer. There'll still be a hole when he left but now I am certain that I'll be able to fill up that hole. Before this, I wasn't so sure. I was that much into him. Or the idea of him. The idea of love. I guess love isn't as good as everyone makes it out to be. Not to be at least. It's always confusing. It goes from one extreme to the next and I'm so tired of trying to keep up with it. It's just so difficult.

I feel like I might have some scars after this. I'll draw back even more because I put myself out there for someone for the first time and it made me so vulnerable and scared, and in the end what I get is rejection, which is the one thing that I dread the most. I don't know if I'll be able to do that again. Not for a while at least. I need to pull back and protect myself and think then somehow learn from this mess. But before that, I really need to deal with my gastritis again. It's not going away and I feel so down. I read somewhere that the supplements will help keep the gastritis at bay but my stomach would never fully recovery from it and it made me so stressed out thinking that I'd be permanently broken in some way. I'm so scared right now of everything and the stress is making me overwhelmed. Today isn't even a particularly sunny day either so my mood kinda worsens as well.

At least my tummy is feeling kinda okay now. I really hope I would be able to recover from this in 2 months. I really really hope so. I'll be kind to my body for the rest of my life. I've learned my lesson. Nothing is more important than my own health. 

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Day 4 - 7/1/13

My period hits and it hurts so bad I couldn't sleep until 2:30. Good thing once I did I slept until 8:50. That's still bad but better than nothing. I feel a little more tired than yesterday. I took some DGLs in the night, some coco oil as well. It seems to help coating my sphincter although not much I can do for duodenum area. 

9:10 took 1 glutamine. My entire pelvic area hurts. The area on top of my left breasts and around my stomach is stinging a little as well. Not a very good day so far. Feels like I just got pummeled when I woke up. 

9:40 took DGLs. 

10:30 took 3 aloe gels. 

11:10 2 fiber gummies. 

12:20-12:40 ate meal 1. Took 1 multivitamins and a cup of ginger tea with probiotic. 

3:30 1 glutamine

3:40 canh with 2 pieces of chicken and some green beans. Very full and bloated. 

4ish yogurt with lots of honey. Bad idea. 

5:30 DGLs. 

6ish ate meal 3. Pain and bloatedbess. Took 1 pepzin

7:05-7:45 took a walk. 30 mins!

9:20 ate meal 4. Took 1 pepzin. 

A little scared and depressed today because my condition got a little worse because I fell asleep after eating which is pretty bad. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day...

11:30 took 1 glutamine. 

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Day 3 6/30/13

Did not have good night's sleep. Lots of reflux probably because I ate too late at night. Became hungry at night too. Ate some food but my sphincter got burned again. Will try to pamper sphincter from now on. Will take cimetidine at home to prevent acid reflux. Good thing tummy didn't burn so I know at least tummy has healed enough!

Woke up at 1:30 3 5:45 and 9. 

6 took 1 glutamine. 

9:15 took 2 DGLs and some honey. Honey seems to make my mouth sour. 

9:40 ate food-first meal. Same as yesterday. 
Drank some chamomile with honey and coco oil (1 capsule)
Duodenal area itches so I think it's healed  a little. Sphincter is really tender and painful. 

10:53 finished taking a walk. 20 mins. Not bad. 

10:57 took 1 aloe gel. 

12:40 took 2 DGLs. 

1:23 finished meal #2 same food but with ca kho too. Took 1 vitamin and 1 fiber supplement. Some twinges of aches in tummy and sphincter but after a couple of minutes, but the warm feeling was slowly going away. 

3 drank some chamomile. Pooped. Not have to strain not sure if it was improvement or the stool softeners (2) from yesterday. 

4:20 took 1 glutamine. 

5:18 finished meal #3 and 1 multivitamin. 

6:13 2 DGLs. 

Slight but persistent burning!!! Probably fr watching movie the Host which requires concentration?

8ish ate food. Burning stopped. I think it was because of the movie. 

9:15 ate more food. Bloated! 

9:35-9:55 ran in basement and drank one aloe gel. 

Will try the ginger+lemon tea with probiotic tonight. 

11:32 took gas X because have lots of bubbles. Sign of low stomach acid? Took 1 glutamine. 

Will try coco oil tonight if I get "hungry" or hunger pains. 

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Some of the supplements that I have/will use

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Day 2- 6/29/13

8:40 took DGL

9 ate yogurt and some rice. Bad idea. No yogurt early in the morning. My stomach feels burning and hot in waves. 

Pooped but took some more straining. Took some stool softener. Stool was black. 

9:48 stomach feels funky. Aches and some hot flashes. Some pain where I think is the bladder. 

10ish ate soup with carrots su and chicken. Stomach feels better but still have pins and needles feeling. 

Pooped. Yellow this time. Not black so the black stool before was probably from the DGL. 

Took 2 DGLs and 1 cimetidine. Will take some honey before eating food again and taking a walk. 

12:30 ate some spinach to reduce acid. Stomach seems to be better somewhat now. Will try not to eat honey too much since it is sugar and will increase stomach acid. 

12:39 started taking a walk. Don't feel as tires but definitely more pins and needles. Probably acid reflux but wasn't as bad as yesterday. 

1:06 done walking. 25 mins!

Exhausted. Had to lie down for a bit. 

2-4:30 took 2 DGLs then ate some good with almost a capsule of digestive enzymes. Some pain in "duodenal area" that slowly became a discomfort then some bloating but less bubbles from saliva and no heartburn and sour mouth/tummy. 

Took 1 fiber and 1 multivitamin. 

5 took 1.5 teaspoon of honey and 1 L-glutamine. No heartburn but some mild discomfort and pins and needles in sphincter and duodenal area. Probably from the protease in the enzyme pill. 

6:05 took 2 DGLs. Made some chamomile tea. 

8 ate rice and canh (chicken su and carrots) almost a bottle of Greek Yogurt. 

Drank 1 cup of Chamomile tea with honey and some coconut juice. 

Felt some burning on one spot where the duodenal area is. Bloated still with some pain when move or position in a certain way. 
10- ate some more canh. Bad idea. Will try not to eat after 9:30 then just go to bed early. 

11:15 took gas X and aloe gel (now foods)

11:26 took 1 glutamine gel. 

Uncomfortably bloated and feel like I need to burp but can't. Does not feel as good as yesterday. :(

Sleep time!

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Day 1- 6/28/2013

UAt night- bed at ~2am. Lots of toss and turn. Burning occurs at first everywhere then slowly subsided to just the place where eso. meet stomach. Can't get rid of it at all. Thought it was because of slippery elm but probably not.

Woke up at 8- not feel good. Very tired and exhausted. Didn't sleep very well. Keeps burning where I think is the place where my eso. and stomach hurts.

-Very tired and depressed for a couple of hours. Tried to go back to sleep but can't. Cried.

10am- feel better. Brushed teeth. Took 2 DGLs. Will have to go eat in 20. Want to test to see if this is all stress related. Will try not to be stressed out by thinking that the burning is because of the stress, which kind of makes sense. I usually gets burning when I'm stressed out.

Mouth feels dry and kinda swollen around the edges.

10:40 finished first meal of a small bowl of veggie.

10:50 started eating another bowl of veggie with 1/2 small bowl of rice. 

A little discomfort in upper abdomen where sphincter is. Been wanting to poop since I woke up.

11:09 finished food and took 1 aloe gel.

able to poop but lots of waiting and some straining. 
My UTI is getting worse. Harder to pee.

12:30 done with walking. A little harder to pee still. I'll wait till tomorrow to see what's up before seeing a doctor. Had some prickling pain while walking. Mainly in lower region of ab near the bladder and the right side. 

12:40 done with slippery elm. 4 pills in half a cup of water. Feeling somewhat bloated. 

1:04 some burning in stomach. Maybe it's slippery elm. I'm not using slippery elm anymore. It doesn't seem to help. Plus I have dgl so I already have something to coat my tummy. 

1:20 super hungry. Shaky. Burning sensation in tummy left rib and sphincter. 
Ate some food. 
1:39 finished eating food but now burning is worse. Took a cimetidine. Will use dgl again in 30 min then pepto. 

Either acid rebound or slippery elm. 

2:52 still burning on the eso but I think it's reflux so I'm not worried. Fuck it. I'm getting off ppi. 

3:27 took 2 more DGLs. Still have burning but seems to have gone down a bit. 

5:20 burning got better. Lots of warmth all over tummy. Burning in upper abdomen. But not in sphincter anymore. 

Took 2 DGLs. 

Some crammy feeling on left side where pelvic bone is (opposite of the place on the right where it usually hurts.)

6:15 finished eating rice and veggies. Took 1 multi vitamins and 2 soluble fiber gummies with 1 aloe pill. Some burning all over. Warm belly all over. 

Relatively not a stressful day so far. 

7ish~ took 2 licorice. Still have some burning. 

8:15 ate some canh. With 2 beano enzyme pills. Ate some honey, helped with heartburn!!!

At some more chicken with rice and some zyme prime. Some heartburn at night. Took some honey and DGL. Black stool next day. Not too bad of a night's sleep. Better than last night. Woke up at 1,5, 8 o'clock. 

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Another Sleepless Night- Part 1

I'm so glad I remembered this blog. Now I have a place to pour all of my heart out. Maybe when I'm done with my gastritis, I will publicize this blog to help those who are in the same situation as I am right now. For now though, it shall remain private for I don't really know what I would say and there are things I don't want everyone to know about me.

Let's start with the gastritis and work our way back. A lot of things have happened since I last posted which was what, a year ago? Lots of things happen. Anyway, back to the gastritis. I started having symptoms Winter 2013. It started out as being tired and not having enough energy and always feeling faint and dizzy, especially when I was cold. I didn't think much about it. I thought it was some kind of allergic reaction, but then it kept getting worse and worse to the point I thought I had low blood pressure again and ended up going to the hospital. But I think the main cause for my terrible gastritis was when I went home to celerate Mai's birthday. It was bad. We decided that I would drive back to FC and we can go out to drink. Bad, bad idea because I ended up drinking on an empty stomach. I drank a lot too. Way too much. Plus I took 2 Advils. God help me. I spent the first 4 hours trying to calm Megan down because she kept vomiting then 2 hours to sleep before driving to Cville again. I started having reflux symptoms on my way back to Cville and had to stop at a CVS to by some Pepcid. Ever since then, my situation got worse and worse. My stomach deteriorated. I couldn't eat a lot of things and I was constantly tired and had no energy. I couldn't even go to class. I ended up skipping the last 2 weeks of class and a Physics lab (had to make up for exams during summer too). So that was that. I basically survived on some Chinese soup, wheat bread,... and my eating pattern was very sporadic so it added the toll to my poor tummy. I ended up going to the hospital 5 times.

One night my stomach kept producing acid for no apparent reason. I wanted to sleep it off but was afraid that it might be worse that way so I took myself to the ER (5th time). Horrible experience but that would have to be another post because I have so much to say about it. Anyhow, my mom came pick my up around 9 and my stomach burned bad on the way home so we had to go to another hospital on the same day (6th time).

Then, it just got worse and worse and worse and worse. Now, I'm sitting on the toilet, trying to push out whatever that's inside me so the burning in my Z line would stop. My entire abdomen hurts now. Not all at once. Not anymore, at least, but they all hurt.

Also, there are a lot of layers to this story as well. I just want to report all the facts in this post before I talk about my anxiety and my mom and Erik and a whole slew of other things. On top of that, I think I'd start journaling tomorrow about how I feel and what I eat so that I can identify what's causing these occasional burns. 

I have high hopes that I'll recover. The question is when and at what cost?

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