Feeling much better today! Barely any pain in the morning but I went to see World War Z and now I'm back to feeling pain again. Darn.

Sleepless night series- breaking up

EDIT: it's bad now but I think if I can tough it out, I will actually recover from my gastritis 100%. The reason why I wasn't was because of this. Its not big enough to aggravate my symptoms but it's big enough to prolong it. There's nothing that can hold me back from recovering!!! How liberating is that!!! I can actually recover now. No more stress from anything anymore. Gastritis and life have done their worse but obviously it's not enough to stop me. I'm still here. It's day 1 and I dot feel too bad!!!

It's 4 am. Needless to say, I am experiencing what most, if not all, the girls who have ever been in a relationship have experienced at least once in their lives. Le breaking up. It isn't a good place to be, really. In fact, it fucking sucks. It's 4am. I should be sleeping and not in physical and emotional pain and definitely NOT bloated.

My gastritis is worse, of course. I have pain all over my esophagus and my intestine all the way down to the area around the ovaries. It's bad. I woke up after an hour of sleep and couldn't go back to sleep again. It isn't a good place to be and I want to get out of it as soon as possible, but to do that, I need to cleanse myself. I need to process this hurt and pain that are expected because I dared to love and gave away a part of me and now I am mourning for that part that won't come back. Does that sound right? That it won't come back? I think it's more like a part that's broken and left bleeding. I'm mourning for the wound, the pain. It's like the mourning is the emotional pain reliever for the wound in my heart.

How could I not mourn for it? It was my first love. I've never loved anyone like I did him, so of course this would be hard. But I have to recognize that this is normal. Anyone who has ever gone through a break up experienced this feeling. It isn't unique and my relationship isn't unique either. A quick search on Google gave a bunch of results where their relationships are very similar to mine. So what does that mean? It means that my relationship is just another relationship. I'll hurt because he dumped me, but then again every girl does that, so I'm not alone. I'm actually pretty damn proud of myself for hanging on pretty well on day #1. I only have some burning and sleeplessness. Some girls when through a very traumatizing period. Some people have been in a relationship for 4-5 years before this happened! That makes me feel so much better about mine. Besides, mine has always been long distance so the blow is much much less worse.

I am confident that I'll get over this. I'll be honest and say that a part of me still want to have hopes that he'll come back to me after his crisis. But then again, would I really want him then? I might want him now but a year from now, really? Perhaps I would already have a new love then. Perhaps the next one will be my true love and he's waiting for me out there while I'm crying over this stupid relationship. That's not fair for me or him.

I'm strong and beautiful. I can get someone way better than him. I have a wonderful body and an amazing sense of humor. Come on. I am damn hilarious! I really should have nothing to feel insecure about. Even he told me that. Besides, I did everything I could to save this relationship. I even waited for him for 2 months. I know now that even though things don't work out, at least I gave it my best go. There's really nothing I can possible do more to save this. He's right. It is his battle to fight. It isn't mine. I did my part. Amazingly so. and I should feel happy about it. I should give myself some damn credit for it. I.did.good. 

It's too bad he doesn't realize what he's losing. He knows I'm the best he's ever had. I am a beautiful and wonderful submissive. His loss. He can never find another one like me. He can try, but he won't find another like me. And I'm taking all this wonderful submissiveness to give it all to someone who deserves it. Deserves me. Once he realizes that, it would be too late. I'd already be packin' and in a much, much better place. I watched a video and she's right, I want love and attention and kinky sex. Those are the things that I want. I don't want him. I only want him because I thought he could give me those things. Let's break things down and see how he did.

Does he really? If he did, he wouldn't have let me go so easily. Maybe we just hit a deadend. Maybe this is bound to happen. There isn't much I can do. I have to recognize that Anne, it isn't your battle to fight. He has to figure his shit out. You can't help him and NOTHING you say or DO can fix it. His "I love you" means nothing because he conciously chose to break up with you. No true loving man would have done that. Anne, you deserve better. Your time is here. Now. This is your season of increase. You don't need that man. Your man is waiting for you out there. Cleanse, ready yourself emotionally so that when God lets you meet him, you'll have living in joy and happiness. God works in mysterious way. This gastritis is an asshole but it made me realize so many things. I have so many realizations that it boggles my mind! (but I am off topic, of course).

I want someone who loves me so much that the thought of being away from me scares him or hurt him. I don't want someone who wants to live in a cave and forgets about me for 2 months then breaks up with me afterward. This man is a dick. He doesn't deserve me. Again, it is his loss because once he comes out of the stupid cave, he ain't never gonna find another one like me.

How much does he love me, really? If he has never even felt protective of me. He's never even been jealous the whole time he's with me. How much does he love me if he ran away the moment trouble came my way? Anne, you have to recognize that, if he loved you, he would have stuck with you when you needed him the most. Anne, HE LEFT YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED HIM THE MOST!!! AND NOTHING HE COULD EVER SAID OR DONE COULD FIX THAT. HE.LEFT.YOU.WHEN.YOU.NEEDED.HIM. He violated all his promises of sweeping me off my feet and shit. All lies. Lies. He's a liar. I don't need a liar in my life.


Obviously, not enough. He always wants to disconnect first. Always needs time to do other shit. Never enough attention, and even when he's around, he basically says what I want to hear. He never really helped me out. And he's a manipulator. And a liar. He made promises that he couldn't keep. LIAR. I don't need a liar, especially a manipulative liar. I'm beautiful and I should be confident about my personality and my appearance. I've never heard complains about either.

Kinky sex

Come on. Do we really have to go there? He's never given me an orgasm. Never. None. Nada. My vibrator satisfies me more than he could ever dreamt of. Sure, he's creative, but that's all. He doesn't even have a big dick. It was average at best. I don't need him to give me kinky sex. I can have kinky sex whenever I want. I'm a girl after all. Being intimate with him sucks. It fucking hurts most of the time. The whipping and spanking didn't turn me on at all. It just hurt. I'm glad he flew all the way here. Spend all that money on me, asshole.

So really, he didn't really meet my standards at all. The only reason why I wanted him is because he dumped me, but I'm a moron because I encouraged him to do that, which made my brain thinks that I really must have him because he is hard to get and shit. I don't need him. I need love, attention, and kinky sex (with orgasms, thank you very much) and it just doesn't tie to him, so my happiness isn't with this guy. So, as any rational person should do, I must move on from this dude and find someone else.

Also, let's break down the idea about why I want him back. Why do I want him back?

-Because he dumped me which made him look hard to get. Fuck that. Being with him sucks ass anyway. Hard. Big time. Like I said, he didn't meet my standard so the hard to get is only an illusion that I created. And if I made it, I can erase it too. God is in my favor. All the darkness of this illusion can't stop me from my destiny and my goals. I don't need him. I'm a woman of my own person.

-I think that I can never find another one like him. I mean, it feels so good. Come on. I already know that it's bullshit that moment that thought came out of my face. So good? When the fuck did I even get an orgasm from him? His fingers alone abraded my vaginal wall. The butt sex was pretty lame, man. I expected a lot more than that. It was like, not even a big deal. That was a lame sex, let's not talk about that sex. I mean, it's embarrassing! Bottom line: I won't miss him because of the sex. Period. It was just awkward and filled with pain. Seriously, I've just realized how true that is.

-I'll miss the attentioni. Maybe. A couple of months from now, I bet I'll laugh my ass off at the so called attention. I mean it's been 2 months and I haven't gotten any damn attention and I'm still standing, aren't I?

(Hahaha. I should comment on this post later on. I really want to hear what my future self has to say about this. Please make it hilarious, future self. Don't let me down!)

-All of the memories. Yeah but you got rid of most of the shit. You'll forget about those eventually too. Plus, the more I think about those things, the more of a manipulative person he truly is. It's fine. Memories fade. I bet most of them aren't even good. I just think they're good because I was looking at them through a pink colored pair of glasses or whatever it is that warped my reality.

This is the reality. He's a dick and an asshole who likes to abandon his woman when she needs him. I bet this isn't even the first time. I bet this has happened to all his women in the past.  what a dick. I feel bad for them. Maybe there's a reason one of them cheated on him. Maybe there's a reason why one of them felt that he didn't love her enough because he probably didn't. Keep getting lost and losing his ID and shit, you know? Maybe I think that this "I need to find my ID" shit is unique from him but he probably has pulled the same card on all his previous relationships. How would I know? Even if I did ask, he probably wouldn't tell me the truth.

In short, so far, we have figured out that he is a dick, an asshole, manipulative, a liar, and could be a serial ID finding bullshit to get out of a relationship. That makes him a coward, too. Oh my gosh. who the fuck have I been in a relationship with? I think it's pretty safe to say that I am the one that got away.

I feel so good knowing that he ain't gonna find another one just like me. I am irreplaciable, bitches. Unlike him.

I feel much better after analyzing this whole relationship. I'm just pissed now because I feel like I was cheated. What the fuck. I'm sleepless over that? My stomach hurts a lot more over that? I suffer for that? What the fuck, Anne. Not cool, Anne. This isn't even worth my time. I would have walked right past this kind of crap any day. Get your shit together now, Anne.

I'm just plagued by memories and what he said right now, but it's natural process of purging. Right now, my neurons are rewiring itself, killing all the neural connections that are involving him and this "relationship." It's gonna take time, and until then, those connection will keep firing and a desperate attempt to save themselves. Too bad. That ain't never gonna happen. You know why? Because Joel Osteen said to me, hey obstacles, be it these pesky neural connections or a bad break up or gastritis that refuses to heal, "you have met your match. You can't get any bigger, but I can. I'm gonna dig my heals in, and I'm gonna fight. You might have defeated me this time, but I'll come back and defeat you. You have done your best, but your best is no match for me." I am still standing even after this shitty break up, and I'll come back stronger than this. You've just qualified me for a season of double and increase. I am stronger than you. I'll come out of this in one piece and I'll have a story to tell. I am strong. Thank you God for helping me realize what I really need and want in life. Thank you God for showing me the way and getting me back on track again. Thank you, thank you God for not giving up on me even when I don't believe you. I am now your follower and I can't be any happier to be one. God is amazing.

Now I know that it's going to be hard the next couple of days. Maybe weeks. Things might be hard when the neural connections try to keep themselves alive. They'll torture my body but sickness and emotional dramas can't stay in my forever. I am a victor and was born by God. Nothing can stop me unless I let it. God is in my favor and all the forces in the world can't stop me. I'll come out of this alive and in one piece. i'll be back to being 100% healthy once again. This sickness will not defeat me. I am a winner and a victor. As long as there's a breath in me, I will keep fighting. Give me your best, gastritis. Get bigger. Get worse. Give me everything you've got, at the end of the day when you have done everything you could to me, I promise you, I will still be standing. I am stronger and getting bigger every day. I can envision myself being whole and healthy once again. I know things do not look this way right now. Me going through a shitty break up and my gastritis getting worse, but plenty of people have gone through worse and came out alive, I will too. But I'll come out not only alive, but wiser and incredibly stronger.

I declare war on my sickness. You will not stay in me forever. Thank you God for letting my cells multiply right now. Thank you God for shielding and protecting all my cells from the acid. I can see my cells multiply and my wounds reduced until they've completely gone. I can see myself healthy again. I can even TASTE that vision. I'm going to wear that white dress when this has blown over and smile upward at you, God. Because everything I am and have done, you're always there to help me. Through my eye of faith, I can see myself whole and healthy and so much more alive in the future. My time is here, and I won't let it go. Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to get better. I won't let you down. I was lost once, but I am now back on track and so much wiser. My eyes have been opened. You are my best guidance and I can't tell you how thankful I am that you did not give up on me. Thank you for your limitless mercy. Thank you God.

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