Feeling much better today! Barely any pain in the morning but I went to see World War Z and now I'm back to feeling pain again. Darn.

Sleepless night part 2

I'm having a rather unpleasant time right now. It doesn't look like I'll be able to have a good night's sleep today since my stomach is irritated again. I feel so frustrated and kinda hate myself for not being able to have a stricter control on my body, but at the same time, it's hard for me not to want to eat everything since I haven't been able to eat much for more than 2 months now. But still, I think I can do better than this.

At any rate, since I can't fall asleep, I figure I'd make another sleepless night post. I still want to talk about my mom and Erik. I think I'll talk about Erik first since it's been on my mind all day.

Long story short, I met him on Omegle, which is a really sketchy place to meet people to begin with. We hit it on very well and started "dating" since then. A lot of things happened, I kept pushing him away because I didn't want to be hurt or rejected. He stood by me through all of that I am very grateful that he did, but a part of me doesn't feel happy. Couldn't feel happy. For some reason, I keep feel a little unfulfilled when I'm with him. I keep feeling like he doesn't given me enough while I give and give and give. I even take the backseat when it comes to whose needs should come first. I put him as my number one priority. I would work my schedule around his so I could spend more time with him.

Needless to say, he doesn't do that for me. He fits me in his schedule instead of the other way around like I do. The months leading up to all this, I kept feeling like we were drifting apart and, now that I think about it, maybe we were, so I kept pushing and pushing and making efforts to close the gap between us. It didn't help. The more I tried, the more he pulled back. It just didn't feel right, but at that time I was also preoccupied with this nasty gastritis so I was really physically and emotionally exhausted, but I still made time for him and he did for me, but everything just felt so...cumbersome. We barely even enjoyed our time together. Our conversation basically revolved around "how do you feel" and "are you getting better." I felt so hopeless in this relationship; I thought sex would bring us close together, would somehow fix this gap between us. It didn't and I feel like an idiot now. I wasn't well then and I risked my health to fix this relationship. I feel so stupid. Even though he didn't ask for it, I still feel so stupid for trying so hard. I resent him because he didn't seem to be doing anything to help me out. To help this whole thing out. I know it's probably my own battle. He probably wasn't even aware about these feelings of mine, but still, somehow it hurts me. Perhaps I was selfish for resenting him since at the time he did have a lot on his plate as well. I suppose I resented him because I just needed something to channel my anger and frustration.

One thing led to another and we took a break. He said he was incredibly tensed from life and his workload. I didn't ask what was wrong. I just accepted it and gave him time though I was secretly happy that we took a break since it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to having to deal with my illness and my failing relationship. With us taking a break, I could concentrate on getting better alone, which was exactly what I did, and that's how I found out about all the supplements and alternative medications. I've been on the new "treatments" for about a week now and I feel better. Not cured, but better. This is another concern of mine, because I don't even know when I would be completely healed or whether I would ever be at all. The thought really terrifies me. What if this is what I have to live with for the rest of my life? This half life, half death existence where I can't even be away from the source of food for more than 1.5 hours? If it's only 4 months, I can handle, but not for the rest of my life. What kind of existence would that be? I'm scared to think about that. I don't ever want to be a burden.

I'm scared that Erik would leave me because with my health like this, I can't do anything. Two people can only talk about things for so long. I'm afraid that the love will fade away without the sex, but then again, I've tried the sex and it didn't work either, so really, I don't even know what to do know. I'm just afraid and scared about the future. It doesn't look very bright. Sure, I have good days and bad days and the good days are getting longer, but will I ever regain my life back? Oh God, please help me be healthy again. I've never wanted anything in my entire life as much as I want to be healthy again right now. What wouldn't I give for that. What wouldn't I.

Though, I must say, being away from him is probably a good thing, too. It gives me the chance to see me from a different perspective. I was worried that I would drive myself crazy without him. It turns out that the first 3 weeks, I didn't even notice any difference. In fact, I was (almost) back to my normal, content self before I knew him. I was about to go out, go shopping, watch a movie (when I wasn't in too much pain). And I was content. Not happy, but content. Busy but content. I realized that I don't need him to be okay. I'm just fine without him. I realized that I willed myself to be dependent of him. I willed myself into letting him decide when I am and when I am not happy by deciding that I'm only happy when I'm with him. I realized that I didn't need him as much as I thought I would. Without him, I am still my own person. I can think and function just as well. I don't need him. I'm a perfectly capable young woman all on my own.
Being away from him really helped me got myself together. I realized that I had lost myself before. I had no identity, no me, no will to decide anything. I just want to be with him! That's all I wanted. And it's so wrong. That wasn't me. I have dreams. I'm capable. I have things I want to do and I have goals. I lost all of that. No, I gave up all of that because I put him as my number one priority. No wonder I was so unhappy. I got my priorities all mixed up. No wonder I was so upset around him. No wonder I felt so unfulfilled and upset when he fit me in his schedule. Although he told me I was one of his priorities, I was always upset when he tried to fit me in his schedule instead of building it around me like I did for him. I was really upset about that for a long time. I actually thought that was how things were supposed to happen when you're in love with someone. How silly.

I really need to get myself back. The old me is interesting and content. I want her back. I want all my goals and dreams and the dirty nasty secrets of the old me back. That's me. That's who I am. That's who he fell in love with in the first place, not this clingy, no identity, and no self-respect creature I've let myself become. No wonder he pulled back from me. He isn't change. It's me who did. I made a mistake, or rather my point of view about loving another person was flawed. I ran with that wrong ideal and was always upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

Besides, I feel like I'll be okay without him. Before all this I was scared that without him I would be so lost and sad because my entire happiness was based on him. Now I feel freer. There'll still be a hole when he left but now I am certain that I'll be able to fill up that hole. Before this, I wasn't so sure. I was that much into him. Or the idea of him. The idea of love. I guess love isn't as good as everyone makes it out to be. Not to be at least. It's always confusing. It goes from one extreme to the next and I'm so tired of trying to keep up with it. It's just so difficult.

I feel like I might have some scars after this. I'll draw back even more because I put myself out there for someone for the first time and it made me so vulnerable and scared, and in the end what I get is rejection, which is the one thing that I dread the most. I don't know if I'll be able to do that again. Not for a while at least. I need to pull back and protect myself and think then somehow learn from this mess. But before that, I really need to deal with my gastritis again. It's not going away and I feel so down. I read somewhere that the supplements will help keep the gastritis at bay but my stomach would never fully recovery from it and it made me so stressed out thinking that I'd be permanently broken in some way. I'm so scared right now of everything and the stress is making me overwhelmed. Today isn't even a particularly sunny day either so my mood kinda worsens as well.

At least my tummy is feeling kinda okay now. I really hope I would be able to recover from this in 2 months. I really really hope so. I'll be kind to my body for the rest of my life. I've learned my lesson. Nothing is more important than my own health. 

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