Just Me

I'm having a rather unpleasant time right now. It doesn't look like I'll be able to have a good night's sleep today since my stomach is irritated again. I feel so frustrated and kinda hate myself for not being able to have a stricter control on my body, but at the same time, it's hard for me not to want to eat everything since I haven't been able to eat much for more than 2 months now. But still, I think I can do better than this.

At any rate, since I can't fall asleep, I figure I'd make another sleepless night post. I still want to talk about my mom and Erik. I think I'll talk about Erik first since it's been on my mind all day.

Long story short, I met him on Omegle, which is a really sketchy place to meet people to begin with. We hit it on very well and started "dating" since then. A lot of things happened, I kept pushing him away because I didn't want to be hurt or rejected. He stood by me through all of that I am very grateful that he did, but a part of me doesn't feel happy. Couldn't feel happy. For some reason, I keep feel a little unfulfilled when I'm with him. I keep feeling like he doesn't given me enough while I give and give and give. I even take the backseat when it comes to whose needs should come first. I put him as my number one priority. I would work my schedule around his so I could spend more time with him.

Needless to say, he doesn't do that for me. He fits me in his schedule instead of the other way around like I do. The months leading up to all this, I kept feeling like we were drifting apart and, now that I think about it, maybe we were, so I kept pushing and pushing and making efforts to close the gap between us. It didn't help. The more I tried, the more he pulled back. It just didn't feel right, but at that time I was also preoccupied with this nasty gastritis so I was really physically and emotionally exhausted, but I still made time for him and he did for me, but everything just felt so...cumbersome. We barely even enjoyed our time together. Our conversation basically revolved around "how do you feel" and "are you getting better." I felt so hopeless in this relationship; I thought sex would bring us close together, would somehow fix this gap between us. It didn't and I feel like an idiot now. I wasn't well then and I risked my health to fix this relationship. I feel so stupid. Even though he didn't ask for it, I still feel so stupid for trying so hard. I resent him because he didn't seem to be doing anything to help me out. To help this whole thing out. I know it's probably my own battle. He probably wasn't even aware about these feelings of mine, but still, somehow it hurts me. Perhaps I was selfish for resenting him since at the time he did have a lot on his plate as well. I suppose I resented him because I just needed something to channel my anger and frustration.

One thing led to another and we took a break. He said he was incredibly tensed from life and his workload. I didn't ask what was wrong. I just accepted it and gave him time though I was secretly happy that we took a break since it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to having to deal with my illness and my failing relationship. With us taking a break, I could concentrate on getting better alone, which was exactly what I did, and that's how I found out about all the supplements and alternative medications. I've been on the new "treatments" for about a week now and I feel better. Not cured, but better. This is another concern of mine, because I don't even know when I would be completely healed or whether I would ever be at all. The thought really terrifies me. What if this is what I have to live with for the rest of my life? This half life, half death existence where I can't even be away from the source of food for more than 1.5 hours? If it's only 4 months, I can handle, but not for the rest of my life. What kind of existence would that be? I'm scared to think about that. I don't ever want to be a burden.

I'm scared that Erik would leave me because with my health like this, I can't do anything. Two people can only talk about things for so long. I'm afraid that the love will fade away without the sex, but then again, I've tried the sex and it didn't work either, so really, I don't even know what to do know. I'm just afraid and scared about the future. It doesn't look very bright. Sure, I have good days and bad days and the good days are getting longer, but will I ever regain my life back? Oh God, please help me be healthy again. I've never wanted anything in my entire life as much as I want to be healthy again right now. What wouldn't I give for that. What wouldn't I.

Though, I must say, being away from him is probably a good thing, too. It gives me the chance to see me from a different perspective. I was worried that I would drive myself crazy without him. It turns out that the first 3 weeks, I didn't even notice any difference. In fact, I was (almost) back to my normal, content self before I knew him. I was about to go out, go shopping, watch a movie (when I wasn't in too much pain). And I was content. Not happy, but content. Busy but content. I realized that I don't need him to be okay. I'm just fine without him. I realized that I willed myself to be dependent of him. I willed myself into letting him decide when I am and when I am not happy by deciding that I'm only happy when I'm with him. I realized that I didn't need him as much as I thought I would. Without him, I am still my own person. I can think and function just as well. I don't need him. I'm a perfectly capable young woman all on my own.
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Being away from him really helped me got myself together. I realized that I had lost myself before. I had no identity, no me, no will to decide anything. I just want to be with him! That's all I wanted. And it's so wrong. That wasn't me. I have dreams. I'm capable. I have things I want to do and I have goals. I lost all of that. No, I gave up all of that because I put him as my number one priority. No wonder I was so unhappy. I got my priorities all mixed up. No wonder I was so upset around him. No wonder I felt so unfulfilled and upset when he fit me in his schedule. Although he told me I was one of his priorities, I was always upset when he tried to fit me in his schedule instead of building it around me like I did for him. I was really upset about that for a long time. I actually thought that was how things were supposed to happen when you're in love with someone. How silly.

I really need to get myself back. The old me is interesting and content. I want her back. I want all my goals and dreams and the dirty nasty secrets of the old me back. That's me. That's who I am. That's who he fell in love with in the first place, not this clingy, no identity, and no self-respect creature I've let myself become. No wonder he pulled back from me. He isn't change. It's me who did. I made a mistake, or rather my point of view about loving another person was flawed. I ran with that wrong ideal and was always upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

Besides, I feel like I'll be okay without him. Before all this I was scared that without him I would be so lost and sad because my entire happiness was based on him. Now I feel freer. There'll still be a hole when he left but now I am certain that I'll be able to fill up that hole. Before this, I wasn't so sure. I was that much into him. Or the idea of him. The idea of love. I guess love isn't as good as everyone makes it out to be. Not to be at least. It's always confusing. It goes from one extreme to the next and I'm so tired of trying to keep up with it. It's just so difficult.

I feel like I might have some scars after this. I'll draw back even more because I put myself out there for someone for the first time and it made me so vulnerable and scared, and in the end what I get is rejection, which is the one thing that I dread the most. I don't know if I'll be able to do that again. Not for a while at least. I need to pull back and protect myself and think then somehow learn from this mess. But before that, I really need to deal with my gastritis again. It's not going away and I feel so down. I read somewhere that the supplements will help keep the gastritis at bay but my stomach would never fully recovery from it and it made me so stressed out thinking that I'd be permanently broken in some way. I'm so scared right now of everything and the stress is making me overwhelmed. Today isn't even a particularly sunny day either so my mood kinda worsens as well.

At least my tummy is feeling kinda okay now. I really hope I would be able to recover from this in 2 months. I really really hope so. I'll be kind to my body for the rest of my life. I've learned my lesson. Nothing is more important than my own health. 

My period hits and it hurts so bad I couldn't sleep until 2:30. Good thing once I did I slept until 8:50. That's still bad but better than nothing. I feel a little more tired than yesterday. I took some DGLs in the night, some coco oil as well. It seems to help coating my sphincter although not much I can do for duodenum area. 

Did not have good night's sleep. Lots of reflux probably because I ate too late at night. Became hungry at night too. Ate some food but my sphincter got burned again. Will try to pamper sphincter from now on. Will take cimetidine at home to prevent acid reflux. Good thing tummy didn't burn so I know at least tummy has healed enough!

8:40 took DGL

UAt night- bed at ~2am. Lots of toss and turn. Burning occurs at first everywhere then slowly subsided to just the place where eso. meet stomach. Can't get rid of it at all. Thought it was because of slippery elm but probably not.

Woke up at 8- not feel good. Very tired and exhausted. Didn't sleep very well. Keeps burning where I think is the place where my eso. and stomach hurts.

-Very tired and depressed for a couple of hours. Tried to go back to sleep but can't. Cried.

10am- feel better. Brushed teeth. Took 2 DGLs. Will have to go eat in 20. Want to test to see if this is all stress related. Will try not to be stressed out by thinking that the burning is because of the stress, which kind of makes sense. I usually gets burning when I'm stressed out.

Mouth feels dry and kinda swollen around the edges.

10:40 finished first meal of a small bowl of veggie.

10:50 started eating another bowl of veggie with 1/2 small bowl of rice. 

A little discomfort in upper abdomen where sphincter is. Been wanting to poop since I woke up.

11:09 finished food and took 1 aloe gel.

able to poop but lots of waiting and some straining. 
My UTI is getting worse. Harder to pee.

I'm so glad I remembered this blog. Now I have a place to pour all of my heart out. Maybe when I'm done with my gastritis, I will publicize this blog to help those who are in the same situation as I am right now. For now though, it shall remain private for I don't really know what I would say and there are things I don't want everyone to know about me.

Let's start with the gastritis and work our way back. A lot of things have happened since I last posted which was what, a year ago? Lots of things happen. Anyway, back to the gastritis. I started having symptoms Winter 2013. It started out as being tired and not having enough energy and always feeling faint and dizzy, especially when I was cold. I didn't think much about it. I thought it was some kind of allergic reaction, but then it kept getting worse and worse to the point I thought I had low blood pressure again and ended up going to the hospital. But I think the main cause for my terrible gastritis was when I went home to celerate Mai's birthday. It was bad. We decided that I would drive back to FC and we can go out to drink. Bad, bad idea because I ended up drinking on an empty stomach. I drank a lot too. Way too much. Plus I took 2 Advils. God help me. I spent the first 4 hours trying to calm Megan down because she kept vomiting then 2 hours to sleep before driving to Cville again. I started having reflux symptoms on my way back to Cville and had to stop at a CVS to by some Pepcid. Ever since then, my situation got worse and worse. My stomach deteriorated. I couldn't eat a lot of things and I was constantly tired and had no energy. I couldn't even go to class. I ended up skipping the last 2 weeks of class and a Physics lab (had to make up for exams during summer too). So that was that. I basically survived on some Chinese soup, wheat bread,... and my eating pattern was very sporadic so it added the toll to my poor tummy. I ended up going to the hospital 5 times.

One night my stomach kept producing acid for no apparent reason. I wanted to sleep it off but was afraid that it might be worse that way so I took myself to the ER (5th time). Horrible experience but that would have to be another post because I have so much to say about it. Anyhow, my mom came pick my up around 9 and my stomach burned bad on the way home so we had to go to another hospital on the same day (6th time).

Then, it just got worse and worse and worse and worse. Now, I'm sitting on the toilet, trying to push out whatever that's inside me so the burning in my Z line would stop. My entire abdomen hurts now. Not all at once. Not anymore, at least, but they all hurt.

Also, there are a lot of layers to this story as well. I just want to report all the facts in this post before I talk about my anxiety and my mom and Erik and a whole slew of other things. On top of that, I think I'd start journaling tomorrow about how I feel and what I eat so that I can identify what's causing these occasional burns. 

I have high hopes that I'll recover. The question is when and at what cost?